Let me just go ahead and say that starting today, I am starting a completely new chapter in my life. I have closed the page on the last one, accepted everything that has happened, and am ready to move on. There are so many ways I could have turned this situation into something negative that I will dwell on forever, but instead I am choosing to see it in a positive light in that perhaps this is the life-altering experience I truly needed to turn things around in my life. Obviously I am still dealing with many of the repercussions and though in a lot of ways they're like salt in an open wound, I have to keep my head up and keep going. At the same time, I feel as though a lot of things are already falling into place. I'm very much looking forward to this weekend and tomorrow I begin training at my new job. Thank you to those involved for their incredible support and friendship, you'll never know how much it's appreciated. Others only really hindered the situation, but I am not really surprised.

It's like the first day of the rest of my life.

Life should be like a DVD remote: it should come with fast forward, rewind, and pause buttons.

I don't know what happened today, but something turned around. I feel like all of a sudden I have this completely different perspective on life. Maybe it's due to the second death of someone I know within the past month, but I really have to stop taking life for granted and just coasting along. It's time to make the most of life.  At this point, my plans to transfer colleges are shot. I am already halfway done my degree and I just need to stick to my guns. Since I'm desperate to get away, I'm thinking about applying to spend a semester abroad. Anyone would be stupid not to. It's pretty much a vacation your college pays for. I know myself and I know being away from home especially in a foreign country would be so difficult and I would get so homesick, but I feel like there's no better situation to truly get to know yourself than when you're completely out of your comfort zone and you're forced to make it work. And if I want to get the hell out of Jersey, I think I can wait until grad school. What I should be focusing on is getting the best grades I possibly can so I can hopefully attend a graduate program somewhere awesome like NYU.

Everything about this year so far feels so strange and unsettling and it seems like things keep coming out of nowhere that just make it worse. I constantly feel like I'm walking on glass. First Ken passed away, and now Paul. You never expect at twenty-years-old to have to hear about the people you knew growing up and in high school have died. I've learned more about death in the last two months than I have in my whole life and I don't like it at all. The only thing I keep thinking is, "Shit, what is going to happen next?" and having this ridiculous paranoia that next time, it's going to hit a lot closer to home.

I know I've complained about this before, but these kids are relentless. My house is one of two on my street that has a driveway and these neighborhood kids insist on playing sports in my driveway.. without asking, I might add. Yesterday was hockey. I'm waiting for the day one of their balls or other sport accessories goes through one of the windows of my house or dents my car.

Note how close the net is to my car. Sure it has it's fair share of bumps and bruises already, but it really doesn't need anymore. Unless you're Mike Richards or an equally good-looking Flyers player, I don't want you playing hockey in my driveway.

Valentine's Day is this weekend.  I spent last year's at a bar in a love bubble with my now ex-boyfriend drinking Corona and lime and shots of tequila mocking all the people drinking away their loneliness and this year, I'll be one of them. Karma, I guess.

I had to put my dog down today. I had that dog for fourteen fucking years. It was like losing a sibling and honestly, with everything that's gone on over the past few months, the worst heartbreak I have ever felt. She was the best dog ever, and any of my friends or anyone that ever met her knows that. 

I went out and drank last night for the first time in I can't even remember how long. I forgot how awful hangovers really are, but it was worth it to get out of the house and get my mind off of a lot of things.

I still feel like everything is just a whirlwind and I just can't see straight. I thought I had it together and now I'm back at point one, as confused as ever. I'm sick of watching time pass and waiting for everything to come together on its own because it's clearly not working out that way. At the same time, I can't for the life of me figure out what it's going to take for me to fix this situation on my own.

Oh, and I got the job.

I have taken far too many days off of class already and it's only like the third week of school. That's pathetic, but I can't help but disagree with UArts when they decide to not cancel classes when my car is literally frozen solid and I'm clearly not going anywhere. I understand it's easy for a lot of people to get to class because they live in the city, but what about the rest of us?

Last interview today. I hope they didn't drag me through this ridiculous process just to not hire me. Seriously, three fucking interviews for a job at Applebees? I'm nice, I have been waiting tables since my sophomore year of high school, what more could you possibly need to know? I'm waiting for a friggen background check or something. Regardless, this job would be my saving grace because I currently have $4.03 in my savings account and even less in my checking. You can't even withdrawal that at an ATM because it has to be an increments of $10. How embarrassing.

Pretty sure I got my new job, but I don't want to speak too soon and jinx myself. Considering how overall shitty January was, February is looking pretty promising. Minus the morning, of course. Car keys should come with a panic button for when you can't find them because lost car keys when you're already late is seriously the most annoying shit in the world.